Communicating with school: strategies for a struggling child

You're getting reports from school that things are not going well, that something needs to be done. You try to set boundaries and consequences at home but it's not helping and you don't know what else to do.

You feel pressure to fix everything but you don't know how.

This is the feeling that many parents describe to me. The feeling of frustration and heartbreak, the feeling of wanting to do more. But really.... honestly.... you need some help. You know you can't do it alone.

When a child is struggling at school, there are strategies that are important for their school to consider.

1. A child will act differently at home to school

This is a topic that I wish was more discussed. Most children feel comfortable at home, and know that they will be loved there no matter what. This means they are also more likely to act out what they are feeling when they are home. Teachers may not see the actions that you see, and may even have difficulty imagining the child that you describe.

If your child is having difficulty at home but not at school, keep a record of when these reactions are happening. Is it in the morning because the rush to school feels too much? Is it after school when they're exhausted? Is it before bed when the change to nighttime becomes too much? It will be helpful for you to share what you see with your child's teacher. If a child is struggling on the way to school, they may need more time to settle once they arrive in the classroom. If they're emotional after school, your child's teacher can let you know what's going on for your child in the afternoons. Connecting the dots in this way means you can start to identify why these reactions are happening.

2. Noticing WHAT their struggle looks like.

Each child is different, and identifying how your child reacts when they are struggling is important. This doesn't always look like what you'd expect.... some children become more quiet or isolated when they are struggling. Ask your child's teacher to describe what it looks like when your child is struggling. Do they refuse to move? Do they struggle to stop moving? Do they get out of their chair and pace around the edges of the classroom? Do they call out? Do they push? Do they make their friends laugh or distract others on purpose?

Or do they remove themselves from social situations and stay in the toilets or at the edge of the playground? Do they cry? Do they have a hard time hearing what the teacher has asked?

Identifying what it looks like when your child is struggling is important as it creates a picture of the behaviour that needs support. Children do not act out for positive reasons of comfort or happiness. They will need support, and it is our job to provide that support.

3. Identify WHEN they are struggling

As well as what happens when your child is struggling, it's important to identify when it happens. It is unlikely that they will be reacting constantly all day, and figuring out when they struggle is part of the puzzle we need to solve. A common time for children to struggle is during transitions. This means when they arrive at school and are left alone, when a lesson ends and it's playtime, when playtime ends and it's suddenly time to sit still, or when a fun activity ends and it's time to move on to something else. It makes sense if we put ourself in their shoes. Kids don't have much control over their own lives. They are told where they need to be, told what they need to focus on, told when it's time to eat and when it's time to play. This regulation can be difficult to manage for any child. When a child is struggling, whether it's due to neurodiversity such as ADHD, a sensory processing issue, an emotional time at home or with friends or even lack of sleep, this expectation of regulation can be completely overwhelming. And they react.

Children may also struggle due to the environment. Do they react when they are in the classroom but not in the gym? Do they react at playtime but not when they're sitting in their seat in a classroom? Do they have a hard time when they're asked to stand in queue? Or do they have a hard time when they are asked to work together with a classmate?

Ask your child's teacher to note when your child is struggling. Watching for when this is taking place should happen over at least 5 days of school, but ideally for 2 weeks to start to notice patterns. These times can then be supported. They may need a 5 minute warming before a lesson or playtime ends. They may need to sit at the edge of the room where it's quieter, or be allowed to join the front of the queue. You may need to arrive earlier at school so they have some time in the classroom before school starts.

4. Identify what HELPS and what really doesn't

More often than not, your child's teacher will have tried several types of support before contacting you about their behaviour. Find out what they've tried so far and let them know what has worked at home. This is the ideal way to connect the support at home and at school. Yes, the environments are different and yes, your child will react differently, but it will be helpful for your child's teacher to know what works for them at home.

Identifying what helps your child means first understanding the what and the when of their struggling. Without really understanding what is going on for your child, it's almost impossible to offer support that will be meaningful to them. When trying new strategies, make sure they are aligned with what you have discovered.

Identifying what doesn't help is equally important. If your child has more than one teacher or takes part in activities outside of school it is important for everyone to understand what your child needs. This communication will save time and will save your child the stress of consequences or strategies that are not right for them.

Speak to your child's teacher to ensure that this information is being shared with every teacher and professional who works with your child. This includes staff on duty during playtime and lunchtime.

What is important to be aware of as you communicate about your child is that support is not about fair. In dealing with children, we often think the way they do, of 'fair' and 'unfair.' It's unfair if a child gets to go to the front of the queue, it's unfair if they get to stay in their seat when everyone else needs to move. But support is about the individual needs of each child. The right support means that every child can progress and succeed in their own way.

If you are a client in my 1:1 coaching program then you'll already know this, as my support works with their school to identify and offer the support that your child really needs. If you are interested in hearing more about my work, get in touch and let's arrange a call to chat.